Inner Monologues-II

Yes, I admit it, I hate Twilight Series, like seriously I love vampires and this series is ruining the whole idea of vampires. Bram Stocker would be turning in his grave everyday a girl says Edward Cullen.

So I have some questions on twilight, so Edward Cullen is dead and an immortal and I am assuming he drinks blood to keep himself alive. So if he is dead, then that should lead to a logical conclusion that his heart is not beating and if his heart is not beating that means his blood is not flowing thorugh his veins and arteries.

THEN HOW CAN HE GET HIMSELF AN ERECTION! to produce a child with that necrophilic girlfirend of his.

Other than that the let us look at Jacob, he can transform into a werewolf whenever he wants to, and with his hairless waxed body when not being a werewolf it is seent hat there is a spontaneous generation of hair 4 inches long at least all over his grown body in 3 seconds. Think of the energy comnsumptiona nd the requirment of protien. and unless he is eating like 5 kilograms of meat everyday to meet this requiurment supplemented by the adequate amount of carbohydrates, the body will start eating into his muscles and would look like a anoerixic patient in a matter of days.

Yeah I hate those guys.

Sex, Lies and Boys

Disclaimer: People who are below the age of 16 or who like to act the below the age of 16 can stay away from this article, I assure you.

So what was the inspiration behind writing this article, I think that would be a combination of three things. Extreme boredom sitting in a Sankara Reddy Class, seeing that my class mate is reading Twilight series and Mills and Boon in front of me and an economist article about how young romance novels such as the ones aforementioned are the sometimes the only source of sex education for women in India got me thinking. What was sex education for boys? Porn? And that led to the question what my sex education was like?

I come from a partially orthodox Syrian Christian family. This means I got a mom whose advice to me in while I am in school and raging hormones was “If someone is teasing you with a girl, tell me, I will talk to the teacher” and dad out of station from the household led me to keeping the talk about sex, girls and anything related away from home. When dad did come back home he was of the nature, “girls are a distraction from studies, try to keep such thoughts away (Helped me academically).” But by that time I think my sex education was kind of done and what you see as Matta in college was formed.

Evolution
It all started in my 6th grade I think when I am slowly getting out of my “Girls are the worst things on earth” ideology. Of course I have no clue what sex is other than the usual idea that it is a bad word and something people do in secret. Of course with the arrival of cable in our neighbourhood I came across songs and programs which used words Boobs, Tits among other things. Curiosity and other things put together where did I run to? The big dictionaries, which lead to more confusion, Questions arose, what is a vagina/uterus/penis/intercourse (Thank the program on history of Erotica on National Geographic? Everyone except the last one was answered thanks to the anatomy books kept at home.

However this was followed by the arrival of porn. My entry into porn was quite accidental. And anything with naked women got my attention then. However it always confused me, why was the man putting his penis inside her anus and what the hell are lesbians? These were common questions that kept rolling in my mind, however of course other than the initial interest and spurge in porn watching in my 8th grade I will assure you one thing, porn is boring. After some time, it is quite boring and mechanical compounded with the non comprehensibility of the concepts in the same.

In these turbulent times of teenage hormones and confusion was a ray of hope for me, who came in the form of our science teacher. She was actually quite mature and without fear or a sense of coy took the classes explaining the processes involved sometimes blaming the syllabus for being inadequate and warning us about wrong sources. This was different from the whole attitude in a conservative school such as mine which believed that a guy and a girl talking alone in a class room was a sin of the gravest nature and was broken up. But she had her limits, since she had a whole science course to complete. But then 9th grade is when the Biology teacher was also supposed to fill in the shoes of sex education. Lesson learned? Don’t expect a newly married 20 something teacher to teach about sex. Our course curriculum went male reproductive organs, female reproductive organs and followed by explaining intercourse and phenomenon of menstruation. For her the course went female reproductive organs, menstruation, talking about sex is a sin in public. Mind that this is the time I have erections every morning and I am expecting the chapter on it to provide an answer since I am too ashamed to ask my mother the doctor. I don’t know why I kept dad out of it.

After this I decided to take matters into my own hands and start learning stuff on my own, which did lead to lot of shady areas of the net. However I did end up knowing things. Sex interested me and from school I had an affinity for biology. I went through any sources I had to learn as much as I can about it since something between my legs was also thinking for me. Many say that you should learn to separate chaff and only accept the grain. I think I just to a truck load without separating it in the end hoping that my on the spot separation will help.

This trip through memory lane during class break did bring out one serious issue I asked in the beginning of the article. Where is the sex education for boys in this country coming from? Everyone makes sure that most of the time, even if in the strictest most conservative of methods, girls are taught about sex or otherwise like said before Mills and boons helps. I remember once in my school some of my seniors were caught for possession of porn. First thing the school does. Suspend the seniors and hold a counselling class for girls who were friends with these guys. I was like WTH (Didn’t use the F word then.)

Anyway back to the question raised earlier. What I have learnt is that boys are expected to fend for themselves when it comes to sex education (Quite a natural phenomenon). For women some kind of talk may come up at least when they are having their first periods. Which guy will admit to their parents that “mom dad, I am masturbating now and what is this white stuff, and Why do I have an urge to do it quite frequently.” (This somehow is a sin) India still lacks a surplus of liberal parents. And without them I don’t think there are parents who call their son to have the talk. I have liberal enough parents and I never had the talk. Schools lack a proper sex education curriculum and in India the biology teacher is expected to carry that burden. So what other easily accessible sources do these kids have, Porn, and peers. Then they learn stuff, sometimes the wrong stuff, then the usual moral police and the blaming of porn. But who is to blame. How can you blame the boys for treading the wrong path? What other path do they have? You can blame everyone else but us for this. However what the result is a neglected group of boys. According to my opinion sex education for boys must be first priority. I can go into the usual rant of how it can be done, but lack of time.

XKCD+Cyanide and Happiness

For those who Didn't get the Joke

One Girl X Nine Months = One Kid

Nine Girls X One Month = One Kid

Inner Monologues-I

Living in Bombay for the past one month has made me come across a lot of interesting people. Lower class, middle class, high class, all levels of society. One of the best places for observing these people is the Church Gate Railway terminal. And here I am putting down what I think was the inner Monologues of certain people seen at the station.

Ugly Girl in a Group of hot girls
“Of course I am hot, or why else would these girls let me be part of that this group”
”Oh my God, the guy I know from third standard is coming this way, he is sooo fugly, I should not talk to him even if we were best friends, I am too cool for him”
“Yes, the Hottie from college is finally talking to me; I think he has a crush on me, I can totally go out with him, so what if he is mostly talking to (Hottest girl in the group) all the time, He is noticing me”

Ugly girl in a group of Ugly Girls
“Hmmph, I wish I was friends with those popular girls (the hot girl group) over there, on second thought why should I be, they are all sluts, look at those dresses they are wearing, no decency for them, and I am more mature and elegant than them”
“What if all the boys only like those girls, that is only because of their bust size, I am sure I only want a guy who likes me for my personality”

Nerd Guy coaching a girl
“Yes, finally a girl is talking to me, I will show my intellectual nimbleness by explaining the mathematical problem at the same time show a sample of my personality by making jokes related to the problem”
“OMG, she is laughing at the joke, I think she likes me”

Girl sitting next to Nerd Guy
“Why the hell is he taking so long to give an explanation to my problem, I thought I asked him in a straight forward manner.”
“That was a bad joke, but I have to laugh out of courtesy, I am never asking this guy for clearing my doubts again”

Middle Life Crisis Guy on a Saturday
“I am not old, I look totally normal in my Mettalica T-shirt and Reebok Shoes, I am young, smart and sexy. Girls are going to fall all over me.”

Hot Girl with Guy
“Those gossip mongering girls are a bunch of losers; guys talk to me because I am smart and have a wonderful personality”

Guy with hot girl
“Look at those legs in that miniskirt, I will do her any time”
“Ok, keep your eyes on her face; don’t give the impression that you are checking her out”
“Ah, she got excellent cleavage, ok but keep your eyes on her face, don’t blow your cover”

More to follow………..

Will it end this?

I think any reservation women or caste is against the principles of democracy. Why do we need reservation for women? We are not restricting women from standing in election or taking part in voting like the old “glorious” times many keep repeating. This reservation as per the claim will take women to another level by giving them a foot in the parliament. Why? Women are oppressed, women have no rights, we need to change that and even if they are not restricted, in reality they are not allowed in the system.

So what is your solution? Remove that negative externality through an internal adjustment. Hmm. How good will that. Besides this, isn’t such a reservation against the principles of democracy itself? You are effectively restricting me or any other person from electing a person I like because I can only elect a woman from my constituency. Even if it is proved that another guy is better at this job than those women. I am not saying that women are incompetent. It is just that restricting options in a democracy is restraining democracy itself. You are not allowing the most favored person to come out.

And will this help the country in the long run? One of my friends blamed for not doing proper research and told that such reservation in the panchayat has done wonders to the same and hence works well in other levels too. But I think that is the biggest misconception. Panchayat and Parliament are different worlds even if the selection process looks the same. It is like saying that “OK, that guy is a very good salesman, lets make him the CEO.” A Panchayat member wins usually by his personal connection to the people in his constituency. While a MLA usually wins by his work to the constituency, while an MP wins mainly due to the reputation of his party. All the politics are different and the connection you share with each voter is different in each level. Just like the difference between CEOs and salesmen towards customers in individual interaction.

Apart from the above statement, there is one more hidden trap. These women still have to go through male dominated party system. Hence to get a party ticket, a man still wields control. S you can imagine the sleeping around that is going to happen, which will effectively reflect on the competency of the candidate also. Even if the above scenario doesn’t happen, I don’t think a party prefers an independent woman in the parliament. They would like a puppet. So the end result will be a member who will be the puppet of the party effectively allowing a system giving the men in power more power with no responsibility to take the downfall if any mishap occurs.

So what is the solution, like I always say, reservation is not the answer. The parliament can increase the total number of seats and allow the same for women; this will thus not prevent or restrict the option of people in elections and allow deserving people to come into the parliament. Also the candidates for the reserved seats should not be chosen by one or two of the top dogs of the party. It should be following the American system of selection of candidates to the presidential race. It allows more transparency.

The current debacle you witness is just people riding on populist emotions for quick popularity. “Changing times” “Empowering of women”, I am reading the headlines, but just step back see the bigger picture, the after effects. We are taking the apparent easy way out, which it is not in the long run and will end up costing more. It will only result as a detriment to the nation. I hate to take the same position of the Yadavs, but for seriously different reasons. People will call me a chauvinist for this post, but hey better be called that than be a hypocrite and join the bandwagon.

Sex, VideoTape and Lies - Part 1

India and MMS have a long standing relationship, we are obsessed with voyeurism and the personal life of other. combine it with the the prohibition of nudity in Indian cinema, we got a bunch of horny men and women who are trying their very best to get hold of at least a nipple slip. How low have we gone? Apart from the embarrassing ones like the Riya Sen MMS, it has destroyed lives of countless people (no one knows what happened to the DPS girl in the famous MMS that started it all but i am sure it is not a happy ending.)

At the same time, the MMS and minute camera technology also helped expose a lot of people and scams. Started with Tehelka, but also a few of the apparent clean lives of people in the society. But one part I hate whenever such a scandal comes out is the defense these people take.

The usual defense- Oh, some one is conspiring and the video was modified using graphics,
Graphic morphing of a photo, I can understand, but a video, seriously! You know how expensive and difficult video morphing a face is? And if it was that easy as claimed by many, then a lot more actresses would have starred in MMS these scandals,

(Jet Li in the movie called 'one' had to make his double wear a green mask to put his face on the same to play a double role, Indian movies resort to a trick of just showing one face at a time, way cheaper) When the movie industry is resorting to such methods, some random black mailer can morph a face just like that, wonder of wonders, he could have made a killing in the movie industry.

And if they did spend that much money on video morphing, I think they would have also invested in a better quality camera than a 1.3 megapixel web camera.

Ballad for the Mallu Lass

Every girl wants to find the perfect guy, some find too many of them (branded a slut), while others find none. Some say that the guys come after personality, while others say that a good rack attracts the best in guys. Whatever the case is, the Mallu guys end up, as my friends like to refer to them, as “Cultureless barbarians whose insensitiveness is annoying.”

But Mallu girls are different, especially the ones who never went out of the state to study or even stayed in a hostel. These are Mallu girls whose sex education comes from Mills and Boons and chick flicks (I am going for serious political incorrectness here). Then comes sweet sixteen, and the father and mother, realizing that their daughter is ready for college, run her through a series of entrance exams and land her a college. This college will most probably be outside the state and (and this is the most interesting part for me) a cycle of event starts which was summarised in the folk song………… ANGE VEETILE CHACKO CHETTANU PENMAKKALLU MOONENAM (the song is too big; I will explain this one later).

This whole cycle will be explained in a part narrative, part descriptive manner. Also the inspiration for the story will be from the stories that happened around me, especially the mallu girls I know. The narration will be in a series of acts which form the great ballad for the Mallu Lass

Act-1- I am free- This is the story of mallu girl. She just got released from the iron clutches of her orthodox family and is sent to study arts in a college. So this girl is venturing out of her state for the first time, away from the safety of her hometown. Outwardly she is crying and is sad, which hurts the father especially, as his big girl is finally leaving home. But deep inside the girl is jumping with joy. “Yes! Yes! I am free.”

Act-2- I am a modern girl- Mal girls have a speciality, the moment they are outside the state of Kerala, they no longer like to be known as mallu girls. They are not malayalis, they are girls. This will also be accompanied by a transformation to modernity. The girl will start wearing jeans, start wearing tops to blend in with the rest of the pack there, and start to call herself modern. I am not saying that I am against the concept of wearing western clothes, but it is hilarious to watch many of my friends try on jeans and not realise that there is a way to walk when wearing jeans. This results in an awkward gait, despite their best efforts to look natural in them. She also gets infected with a disease I like to call “Naadan Amnesia.” She somehow forgets her mother tongue.
The “ENNIKKU MALAYALM ECCHIRRI ECHHRRI ARIYUU (I only know a little bit of malayalam)” jokes are numerous in my home state. Also the name is changed into jan from janaki, Sarah becomes Saera and many more corruptions. I still remember one of my friends “Teresa” who after going to Bangalore became “Treesa.” The most extreme symptom of the disease is when the girls start hating anything that has any remote connection to their mallu heritage. Ellathinodum oru pucham

Act-3- Mallu Guys, PFFF!!!, I have found better- The Tehelka article portrayed mallu men as being so insensitive and so unromantic that the maximum romance that could ooze out of their mouth was a mere ‘I like you.’ However this attitude coupled with cheesy novels that portray men to be beefy, hunky, and chivalrous makes the girls look at all the mallu guys in the college with disgust. The thought that goes through their heads is “I don’t want to be associated with any of those cultureless, insensitive barbarians. They don’t know how to behave in front of women.” “Look at those other guys, they are so nice and sweet and understanding.” Here the next disease starts infecting them, also referred to as the “chettan complex.” One particular guy who will obviously be a Non mallu get the position of chettan, and chettan will be the most caring and sweet guy the girl has ever met. He is helpful, understanding and a good friend.

Then this blossoms into love and the girl couldn’t be happier. They are the perfect match. Excellent connections, they love doing the same things, he is smart, wise, witty and everything else. Which leads to……..

Act 4- Rebel without a Cause- As the love progresses, the validity of the statement ‘love is blind’ comes true. The girl will only trust chettan and no one else. She loses trust in friends and family. Why should she trust them? They never understood her feelings, chettan does. Around this time the family back in the state will get wind of the stuff happening in college. This would be deduced by the family, from simple signs which start popping up all of a sudden, like:

Less frequent phone calls

The phone calls become short and hurried up

Lack of complaints about the college


Seeing this, the family checks up on the girl using some relative and finds out about the true state of affairs, mostly through a family member in the same vicinity. This is not difficult as mallus are found in every nook and cranny of this world. So then the father goes into a fury, while mother tries to advice. But the girl stands with her unwavering will to stand with this guy. He understands her. The family don’t. She becomes a rebel, cutting family connections, and not giving the slightest regard to the opinions of family members. Her motto is: as long as chettan is with me I am happy. Fuck family, they never supported the inner me anyway. For this very reason, I know numerous friends of mine who go to great lenghts to keep the guys they love out of the knowledge of their families.

Act 5- Shit hits the ceiling- Now is the fun part. What the Mallu girls expect out of a chettan is my one true love relationship is that he will marry her eventually. Well what the guys want is a girl friend, according to them that is not a long term investment. They expect to get out of this relationship as soon as it gets boring. At the very moment this intention is revealed, either discreetly or openly, directly or indirectly, to the woman, the shit hits the ceiling. Similar to any boyfriend relationship where the girl wants <20% sex and >80% talk, while the guy wants >80% sex and <20% talk. IN that situation, the chettan realises that it is better to get himself out of the relationship, and in the usual manner which seems appropriate to him, dumps the girl.

The ending of this ballad is not always in the same manner. But always, it is like any resident evil game where the player can decide the ending. Either the above mentioned ending is possible which then results in the girl going into depression and the parents rushing into to help her up. But if the girl is smart enough she can trap the guy or coax the guy into committing and later getting him married to her. But a few years down the line she will realise that the chettan she knew was not the chettan husband that she is witnessing now. The third possible ending is follows from the first ending where at the time of depression, instead of the family, a guy will slip in and provide her the emotional support and take the mantle of chettan again. This again leads to ACT 3.

Whatever the end may be (which 90% of the time is either ending 1 or ending 3) it will always be a melancholy tale for the Mallu lass.